Sunday Advice Column by Art World Extraordinaire Jerry Gogosian: “WWJD?”

Need advice? Write a letter to Jerry Gogosian and she will reply in the next issue of the Weekend Journal. Please send your questions to: [email protected].

Dear Jerry, how do you handle mansplaining?

As a man, if anyone were mansplained, I generally would have to agree and hope that you as a woman would understand.

Dear Jerry, do you have tips for young art dealers?

Unless you were born incredibly rich like Jerry Gogosian and you lack the stomach for guileless misappropriations of truth, virtue signaling, paying for multiple multi-million dollar divorces, blatant nepotism, living perma-drunk, dating people who are 55 years younger than you, while living under illusions of grandeur with an untreatable case of narcissism, this might not be the industry for you, child.

Dear Jerry, what would you do if another art dealer stole your artist?

I would spread a vicious rumor that the artist’s bubble had burst and it was time for everyone to dump the artist at auction and I’d secretly buy up every lot. Then I’d go vulchurize their primary market for cut throat deals buying everything for well below what it was just worth.

I’d then sit and wait for their new dealer to dump them and the artist to come running back into the safety of my arms begging to be restored. Little, would they know, that I’ve already been pre selling their first major retrospective to major museums and private collections. Their reputation intact, they may now go working as a Gogosian artist from death and beyond.

Dear Jerry, what would you do if you got put on a collector waitlist for a gallery?

Right now, everyone knows the list is just a joke. I would wait for his turn to be offered and then say he must think…for six months…while everyone got dangerously desperate and then he’d ask for a discount of 20% to watch it hurt. The waiting game is one of my favorite games and I also invest in distressed assets like my father Gogosian the First.

Dear Jerry, what would you do if you sold a work for $1 million dollars?

During Art Basel, I enjoy the art of the “quiet quit” on Day 1 of the VIP.  I keep my private jet running and standing by to whisk me away as quickly as possible to St. Barths…The island where you cannot go unless you’ve had your credit score checked and unless your wealth manager can prove you can set foot there. This year the art fair was soft at the top, but I had arranged to move a few recently disinherited Picassos. I comfortably walked out of my booth at Art Basel at 11:11am with a sufficient bank account to get my Presidential suite at Hotel Christopher and turn my phone off until Frieze.

Dear Jerry, what would you do if you lost your passport before Miami Art Basel?

Jerry has like 6, ok. Chill.

Dear Jerry, what is your favourite song to dance to in the mirror?

If I weren’t an art dealer and such an insecure man, I’d be a stripper. This would be my song for the pole “Money” by The Flying Lizards.

Dear Jerry, who would you kill, marry, fuck: Picasso, Rothko, Warhol?

None of these men are my type. I’m more into a small sector of men I caught onto since my days at Beirnheim called the “Hairless Sasquatch” and since I’ve always wanted to Sienna Miller’s sloppy seconds lets say I’m more of a Lucas Zwirner type of man.

Dear Jerry, what can we find in your art collection?

It would be gouache of me to go into details. Jerry’s private collection is in a Freeport and changes with regularity. We do not discuss it. It is very expensive and potentially not anyone’s business. You must realize that recently there were a wave of desperate Russian oligarchs and sad Crypto Kings that needed to offload a lot of their art for cheap. (Some of them even threw in a mega-yacht or two.) Who do you think was there to help them? I’m a member of the art community and I am always here to protect art in times of peril.

Dear Jerry, what was your craziest art world experience?

I spent a winter on Palm Beach Island with all of the big art collectors who also happen to be the biggest American donors to both the Democrats and the Republicans. To my surprise, not only do they hang out together, their children go to the same universities and date, they all play tennis together at the same clubs and golf together. They’re all friends. They also collect exactly the same kind of art.

Dear Jerry, where is your top holiday destination for summer and winter?

I summer off the coast of St. Tropez with one of my mega yachts and I am THE Gstaad resident DJ for the .001% as my life insurance policy forbids me from skiing. We demand credit checks and last year’s taxes as proof upon entry to keep the company truly elevated.

Dear Jerry, what are your gallery recs for Hong Kong Art Basel?

Hauser & Wirth: Rashid Johnson. David Zwirner: Rirkrit Tiravanija. Massimo de Carlo: Aaron Garber-Maikovska. White Cube: Tunji Adeniyi-Jones. Gagosian: Katharine Grosse.

Dear Jerry, who is your art world crush?

Deb McCleod, the most iconic living Senior Director of our times.

Dear Jerry, what is your favourite art world film?

Wall Street (1987).

Dear Jerry, what is your life motto?

“I create nothing. I own.” — Leo Castelli